I remain a Christian, because I don't know a better, more reasonable, or more convincing way, and because I believe I have been given the grace to see some truth here that might otherwise look crazy on some levels. And pissed off as I often am these days by the pharisaical self-righteousness of atheist fundamentalists, I have to say I detect in some of them a rage against the God they claim not to believe in.
But I can tell you I share this rage. I can give you the theologically correct line that God is perfect and without sin (and I believe this) but I am still angry at Him. I have been having some very persistent problems lately, and they are not even that bad compared to what a lot of people have. I am deeply frustrated.
So what gives? Why does God let the world remained fucked up? Why are we still waiting for the Second Coming? No one really has an answer to this do they?
Fuck it all. Fuck it all. What can you trust God for? What if you ask for bread and get a scorpion? I suppose you just keep waiting. the idea seems to be that you are not to put God to the test. Whatever.
I don't think I would ever be capable of becoming an atheist. But I could very bitterly turn against God.
And does He love us UNCONDITIONALLY or not? And of what does this love consist? What do we GET from it (and I do not care if that sounds mercenary)? And can we therefor give up worrying about the afterlife?
When your life is fucked up, is this God's punishment? Judgement? Is it your cross to bear as Jesus bore his, and can you feel you are serving God in your suffering? Is there honour in your suffering?
I hate this life. I truly hate it. I am not at all sucidal, nor without hope. But sometimes I hate this world and want to shit all over it.