I Hated You Because
your shit did not smell;
neither did my roses;
you stood in my light and complained I was blocking your shadow;
you forgave yourself with shocking ease;
of all the many times you said no
when I hadn't asked and was on the far side of the street, in dark glasses, only looking for a moment while checking my grocery list and you were facing the other direction and
couldn't possibly have known;
of your right to be seen and my absence thereof;
of the authority of your eyebrows;
whether I agreed or disagreed with you I was ever only a foreigner;
you could both keep an eye on and ignore me at the same time, if you wanted;
whatever I wanted, it was only you who had the right to it;
of how easy it was for you to be courageous -- you had no idea;
you could wear symbols of your failure and make them look like someone else's;
you were a hero in victory, a martyr in defeat -- Wuotan and Yahweh your admiring uncles;
I was a bully or a weakling, no matter what the truth was (hah! even both);
of the respect strangers had for you;
faith was yours for the asking -- works didn't matter;
your works were more than enough -- faith didn't matter;
you could judge and not be judged;
your judgement was itself the sentence -- how I writhed! No impotent guards and prison walls for you!
you did not need the last word -- it was yourself;
of your superiority;
of your inferiority (so much better than mine);
you could despise weakness when strong, strength when weak. How did you manage it?
you were whatever most undermined me -- without knowing it, without caring;
you were ever looking over my shoulder -- without knowing it, without caring;
of your clear eye which feared nothing.
And now that you are dead I sing your praises thus and kill you again before the world, you bum-sucking vampire!